


Keep My Mind Off the Edge

by writerjesus



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Confessions, M/M, Oikawa Tooru-centric, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 17:23:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10575975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writerjesus/pseuds/writerjesus
Summary: He was good, everyone told him so. He was good enough. The word enough taunted him because enough had a time limit. An expiration date. It was only a matter of time.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Better Than I Know Myself by Adam Lambert. 
> 
> This was supposed to be about Oikawa having anxiety and feeling insecure and it kinda ran away with me. This is the first thing I've written in over 2 years so please go easy on me. Also I project a lot of my own issues onto Oikawa.
> 
> Not beta-read.

It started in junior high. No, that was a lie. It probably started even before then. Elementary school? The need to be better. The drive to be more, more, more. The knowledge he wasn’t enough. Oikawa could probably think of a dozen and a half reasons (or excuses) for the way his brain was. Because his sister seemed so perfect, eight years his senior. How his grades were always good, but not the top. How his body was beautiful but never quite right. How, even when he found volleyball, he still wasn’t the best. He was good, everyone told him so. He was good enough. The word  _ enough _ taunted him because  _ enough _ had a time limit. An expiration date. It was only a matter of time. 

 

He didn’t know  _ enough _ had a face. Kageyama Tobio. Oikawa hated him. Hated that he could walk into a gym and easily pick up what took Oikawa years to build. Back in junior high, Oikawa spent so many sleepless nights, dreading the day that the coach would bench him. And he’d be forced to watch Kageyama take his place, to bring their team to a greatness that Oikawa himself couldn’t. 

 

He tried to keep all the bitterness and resentment under wraps. He really did. And then it all bubbled over and Oikawa took a swing at Kageyama. (The thought still makes his stomach twist in disgust and self-loathing.) 

 

Thank god for Iwaizumi. Iwa-chan. Hajime. His best friend. The only person that Oikawa felt  _ knew _ him inside and out. That wasn’t true. Hanamaki and Mattsukawa knew him too. The three of them knew his sharp edges and his twisted and ugly bits and still stuck with him. (On those nights he couldn’t sleep, he wondered why.) 

 

But Hajime was different. They’d grown up together. They were inseparable at this point. Being friends from diapers to now, eighteen years, was no small feat. Hajime knew him when his hair was long, when he wore sundresses at his family’s yearly summer barbecue. Hajime supported him when he’d tear the ribbons out of his hair with tears in his eyes. Hajime would knock him over the head, tell him to stop crying, and they’d go catch beetles by the river until Oikawa felt like himself again. Hajime didn’t bat an eyelash when Oikawa announced himself as ‘Tooru’ or declared he’d be joining the boy’s volleyball team in junior high. He didn’t hesitate in his pronouns or in correcting others. Even going as far as to having his first few binders shipped to Hajime’s house, when he wasn’t out to his family yet and paranoid of them snooping at his mail. And the night where he finally did come out and Hajime came over as he cried his eyes out because of how scared he had been. (His family came around, of course, but it did take some adjusting. Hajime’s family adapted quickly and easily, to Oikawa’s immense relief.)    
  


Between the sleepovers, the shared classes, volleyball, and everything else in between, it was no surprise that he’d inevitably fall for him. (He realized in their first year of high school. It was late at night and Hajime had an exam the next day. But he stayed up with Oikawa, his calm and soft voice reassuring him out of a panic attack. That he wasn’t making up his identity, that his body may feel wrong but it wasn’t bad. That he was the best volleyball player in their school, that the award he had gotten in junior high was real and legitimate. It was then that Oikawa realized how much better Hajime made him feel, even if Hajime was gruff and wasn’t the best with words. Because Hajime felt like home and safety. Because Hajime didn’t take his shit and saw through his bravado, but let him keep it up because Hajime understood that he needed it sometimes.)  

 

Oikawa figured he had everything. Between Hajime and volleyball and the team, between universities scouting him and his good grades and the promise of crushing Kageyama and Ushijima, Oikawa was on top of the world. 

And then it all crashed down. With a spike from the jumping monster with orange hair and a poor receive, his whole world shattered around him. At first, there was just shock. And then cheers from the other side of the court. So it happened. It finally happened. Oikawa glared at Kageyama through the net, staring him down. “Now we’re at one loss, one win.” He declared. “Don’t get on your high horse.” He then turned to join his team, his back straight and head high. He wouldn’t break. Not now. Not when his team needed him to be their strength. It was his last gift as captain, he figured. Their coach spoke to them, causing some of them to cry. Oikawa felt numb, like nothing was real. But he went through the motions. And then he saw Hajime. His back was rigid, his shoulders tense. Oikawa walked a little faster, clapping him on the back. He couldn’t look at him, not now. But hopefully it’d offer at least some small comfort… 

* * *

 

The bus ride home was quiet, everyone either sleeping or processing the day. Oikawa closed his eyes but knew that sleep wouldn’t come to him. He kept replaying the match over and over in his head, all while trying to ignore his throbbing backside. 

 

It was late by the time they returned, everyone gathering their belongings and returning home. Without even having to ask, Hajime waited for Oikawa so they could walk home together. They walked in silence until they reached Hajime’s house first. 

 

“Do you want to come in?” Hajime invited, breaking their silence. Oikawa knew he shouldn’t, wanting nothing more than to return home and mourn. Instead, he nodded and followed Hajime’s lead inside. The boy’s house was as familiar to Oikawa as his own. From the pictures lining the hallway to the plants in the living room, even to which of the stairs creaked when you stepped on them. 

 

Hajime’s bedroom was no different. Oikawa even helped decorate it, putting up the volleyball posters on the wall and giving Hajime some of the knickknacks on his bookshelf. Oikawa set his stuff on the floor by the closet before moving to sit at Hajime’s desk chair, while Hajime sat on his bed.

 

“I’m sorry.” Hajime said softly, ashamed and disappointed. “That spike… It was perfect and I still couldn’t…” 

Oikawa gave his best friend a smile. “But you still hit it, Iwa-chan.” He reminded before pausing, smile saddening. “I should’ve gotten that last receive. I should’ve practiced more on that rather than my serves.” 

 

Hajime stared at Oikawa, making him feel like some kind of insect under a magnifying glass. “You don’t really blame yourself, do you?” 

 

Oikawa thought of giving his signature grin, waving Hajime off and joking it all off. But he was tired. He was so  _ tired _ . “Who am I supposed to blame?” 

 

Hajime scowled, his brows crinkling. “Coach said we fought well. We… we shouldn’t blame anyone…” 

 

Oikawa looked away from Hajime and out the window. “So you mean that we just weren’t good enough.” The words felt acidic on his tongue. “That I wasn’t good enough against the gifted and talented Tobio-chan. I know, I know.” His voice was cracking, his eyes starting to sting. “And now we can’t face Ushijima again. We lost our chance. It’s over.” Oikawa felt the tears roll down his cheeks, his breath coming quicker and shallower. “I ruined everything.” He was panicking, he realized. Hyperventilating. 

 

Oikawa felt hands on his shoulders before Hajime forced them to face each other. When had Hajime gotten so close?  “Oi, c’mon. Everything’s okay. You didn’t ruin anything. Just relax.” He was scowling, concern evident. “Just breathe with me, alright? In. Out. Just like that… Good.” Oikawa tried to follow Hajime’s rhythm, taking a few minutes for his heart rate to slow and his breath to regain its regularity. Once he wasn’t panicking as badly, Hajime spoke up. “Listen to me Shittykawa. You did great today. Your sets were perfect. You played so well.” Hajime’s eyes were so green. “Don’t you dare blame yourself.” 

 

Oikawa felt his eyes burn again, everything seeming like so much all at once. Hajime just held him as he cried, his hand rubbing his back. He offered quiet reassurances in that soft voice that Oikawa loved so much. The better part of an hour passed before Oikawa finally cried himself dry. Now he was exhausted to the bone, his body feeling even more sore than before. He pulled back from Hajime to signal he was alright. “I… should go home.”

 

Hajime rolled his eyes. “Bullshit. It’s late enough as is. Just spend the night.” He got up and grabbed some spare clothes from his closet. “You’ve taken your binder off already, right? Otherwise I’m gonna kick your ass.” 

 

Oikawa couldn’t help the small chuckle that escaped him. “I did, yeah. Right after the game.” He turned his back, slipping his shirt off so he could change into the offered clothes. He heard Hajime curse behind him. 

 

“What the fuck?” 

 

Oikawa glanced over his shoulder to see what Hajime was looking at and was met by his gaze. “What?”

 

Hajime’s scowl was back, deeper than before. “Your back. Does it hurt? No, wait, nevermind. Let me get something.” He left the room and Oikawa heard him go downstairs. Oikawa took the time to change his clothes, folding his own and putting them with the rest of his stuff. While Hajime was gone, he took a moment to lift his shirt and inspect it in the mirror. He wasn’t surprised to find his back covered in black and blues. Slamming into those chairs definitely would’ve left a mark. It was only thanks to adrenaline that he hadn’t felt it in the moment. 

 

Soon enough, Hajime was back. “Here.” He handed Oikawa a bottle of water, a few painkillers, and an ice pack. “Shittykawa, you need to take better care of yourself. Take the bed. I’ll get the futon.” 

 

Oikawa only laughed, genuine albeit weaker than usual. “But then how else would I get my darling Iwa-chan to dote on me like a mother hen?” He teased before taking the painkillers as Hajime rolled out the guest futon. Oikawa laid down on Hajime’s bed, slipping the ice pack under his shirt. He hissed at the cold before bundling himself up in the blankets. 

 

Hajime turned the lights off and they got settled. Oikawa stared at the ceiling, sighing softly. “Iwa-chan?” He said softly, turning his head to see if the other boy had fallen asleep already. He was met with a grunt. “I’m cold.” Oikawa whispered, not in his usual whiny tone. Maybe that was what had Hajime stirring, sitting up. “Do you want another blanket?” 

 

Oikawa hesitated before shaking his head. “Just… lie with me?” He was half expecting a pillow to hit him in the face, accompanied by Hajime teasing him. Instead, Hajime lifted up Oikawa’s blanket and slid into bed next to him. 

 

“Is this alright?” Hajime asked. 

 

Oikawa nodded, shifting closer. Hajime was a little tense before he wrapped an arm around his waist. Oikawa sighed softly and felt some of the tension drain out of his own body. He rolled over so he was facing Hajime in the dark. Even in the low light coming from Hajime’s alarm clock on the bedside table, he could see that Hajime was looking at him. “Thank you.” Oikawa whispered. “For… everything. You played well today too, Iwa-chan. You always play well. You’re the best ace a setter could ask for...  The best friend a person could ask for.” Maybe it was because it was dark or he was exhausted and not thinking clearly, but Oikawa felt brave. To say all these things under the cover of darkness and the safety of Hajime’s bed. “And I’m so happy to have played volleyball all this time with you. And to be friends with you and so close to you. And you’ve given me so much and I don’t think I’ve given you enough.” 

 

Hajime shifted closer so their heads were resting against each other. “You really are an idiot, you know that?” His voice was rough like it was when he was tired. “You make it sound like one of us is dying, first of all. But besides that… I wouldn’t have stuck around this long if I didn’t worry and care about your sorry ass. Friendships aren’t one-sided. You’ve given me more than enough. You’ve always been more than enough.” 

 

“Would it make me a terrible person if I wanted more?” The words left Oikawa’s mouth before he could think them through. There was a pause. 

 

“What do you mean?” Hajime asked, his tone neutral. 

 

No turning back now. “Cat’s out of the bag, I guess.” Oikawa sighed. “I mean. I want more… I don’t want Iwa-chan to get some adorable girlfriend who takes up all his free time. Who gets to hear Iwa-chan’s sleepy voice or see you scowl when you do homework or share a bed with you like this.” He sounded so childish. “I want… I want Iwa-chan to myself. I want to be enough for Iwa-chan.” And now he braced himself to feel Hajime tense against him, for him to awkwardly but politely turn him down, for the explanation of “I just see you as a friend, I’m sorry.”

 

But it didn’t come. Instead, Hajime just shifted so he could press his lips to his head. “You’ve always been more than enough. Isn’t that what I just said?” Oikawa felt his cheeks heat up as he gaped. Hajime chuckled softly. “Tooru. I like you.” 

 

Oikawa opened and closed his mouth, his brain fighting to come up with a response. “I.. you like me.” He repeated, not entirely believing he heard Hajime right. Hajime nodded. “And you… want me? Like I want you?” 

 

Hajime nodded again before chuckling fondly. “It seems like we’re stuck with each other then.” There was a moment’s hesitation before Hajime’s lips found Oikawa’s own and  _ oh _ . Oikawa had dated before, kissed his fair share of boys and girls. But this was nothing compared to those. Hajime’s lips were dry but still warm and full against his own. And then it was over far too soon for Oikawa’s liking. 

 

“Don’t pout.” Hajime teased. “And get some sleep. We can… we can do more of that when we wake up.” Now it was Hajime’s turn to sound unsure, shy even. It was cute. 

 

Anxiety wasn’t magically cured with kisses or kind words, even if from they’re from the one you’ve been in love with for ages. They’d have to talk more in the morning, about their relationship, about their volleyball and school plans, whether they’d go see Karasuno play against Shiratorizawa. But that would all come in time. Oikawa figured that this was enough.

 

“I think that’s a good idea.” 


End file.
